Stop Being a 'BUT'

I heard an interview with MVP Steph Curry the other night after Game 6 of the NBA Finals, in which he made a comment that got me thinking about my pre-maritial counseling.  

Wait, what?!?  

You mean it's not natural to associate Steph Curry getting ejected and throwing mouth-pieces with pre-maritial counseling?  

Our pastor said to never follow up an apology with the word "but".  It devalues the apology.  It minimizes that sentiment after you say sorry.  How many times have we said something like the following statement?  "Babe, I am sorry that I yelled at you, but if only you _________, then I wouldn't have had to set you straight."

As a coach, I saw this often ...

"I am sorry that I was late but my roommate didn't set the alarm clock."
"I am sorry that I didn't do well on that test but the teacher didn't remind us about it."
"I am sorry that I was sluggish in the game today but it was just hard to get going early since we started off playing zone."
"I should have been ready when you sent me into the game but I didn't expect to play."

Why do we say "but" after an apology or a statement?  It is normally because we are trying to make ourselves look better.  We might be making an excuse.  

Once, I had two players miss the first practice after a long break.  Both players showed up shortly after the conclusion of practice.  One apologized and said that she had no excuse and that she was really sorry.  The other barely apologized (if you could even call it that) and then proceeded to tell me that her parents didn't wake her up in time (she was a senior and 22 years old, by the way).  It doesn't take a rocket-scientist to figure out which player I viewed as more responsible.

So, coming back to Steph Curry and his comments.  I am a Curry fan.  I admire the way he works.  I like his attitude.  I often use positive stories about him.  I hope to use this negative story in a positive way.  So what did Steph Curry say that got me all riled up?  Here it is...

"I definitely didn't mean to throw it at a fan, but it happened," he said. "I went over and apologized to him because that's obviously not where I was trying to take my frustration out. But the last two fouls I had I thought were — I didn't think I fouled either Kyrie [Irving] or LeBron. That's just kind of my perception of the plays and I had a reaction to it."

You might not think this is bad but I am all about mindset and taking full responsibility for your actions.  The official didn't make him throw a mouthpiece.  We control our actions.  Do I think some of the fouls were suspect?  Yes, I do.  I also know for a fact that he (and other players) get away from fouls that aren't called.  We must always be in control of our actions.  

John C. Maxwell has a book entitled "Sometimes You Win, Sometimes You Learn" and I often think about this in cases like this.  What did Steph Curry learn from this? What did he teach youngsters in this situation?  Taking full responsibility says that he reacted wrong and that he will learn from this situation.  He also didn't talk about the fouls that he picked up because he wasn't being smart or when he was gambling on a play?  

Bottom line take away?  If we truly want to be more successful, then we must take full responsibility for our actions.  When you add a "but" into your statements or make excuses, you don't fully maximize your opportunities. 

 Jamy Bechler is a certified John Maxwell leadership coach, speaker and trainer.  You can contact him at Jamy@CoachBechler.com.  You can also subscribe to his leadership newsletter by clicking here.